Love Languages- Since When?
Are you suddenly hearing everyone talking about love languages and you have no idea what they are? You aren’t alone
Love languages have been around since humans began to show affection for others, but they really started being categorized when Dr. Gary Chapman had his book, The Five Love Languages, published in 1992. It was first published as a self-help book with a Christian framework, but it became a popular conversation topic for many groups, especially for those who use social media platforms. Chapman focused on altering your own behavior after learning other people’s love languages. Nowadays, the focus is figuring out your love language, then trying to find someone who fits it
perfectly. Is that even possible!? The love languages are different ways someone shows appreciation for partners, friends, family members, and anyone they care for. Does your partner like to bring you little gifts often? Do they like to have physical contact with you in any way possible all of the time? Or do you feel like they are always complimenting and encouraging you? These are all ways someone can show their love for you if their love languages include receiving gifts, physical touch, or words of affirmation.
There are 5 types:
1. Words of affirmation: These can be authentic compliments or encouraging messages that are said verbally or written. Even saying, “I love you” often can be something that a person whose love language is words of affirmation will appreciate.
2. Quality time: Intentionally spending time with your partner, without phones or other technological devices, can be a way to feel connected in the relationship.
3. Receiving gifts: These gifts can range from small, random gifts to huge, jaw-dropping surprises. This love language likes to see love coming through the act of gift-giving.
4. Acts of service: Whether it is making their coffee in the morning, helping with household tasks, or randomly washing their car, these acts can be a way that someone shows their love for someone else.
5. Physical touch: We aren’t just talking about sex when it comes to physical touch as a love language. This can be expressed through kissing, rubbing their back, or caressing their arm with your fingers. Sometimes it is even just sitting in close proximity to each other.
Sounds like typical components found in a loving relationship, right?
But it doesn’t end there! It is very common for people to have a few that are of top priority to them, so don’t think you are only stuck with just one.
So, what does it all mean?
What’s the big deal if I do things that encompass most or all of these rather than focusing on just one?
Well, your partner might really want to feel loved in a specific way, whether that is always or only in certain moments. It can be useful to learn their love language so that you know how to comfort them. Here are a few ways being unaware of your partner’s love language can cause tension:
Your partner might be showing you they love you in ways that speak to their love language, but you don’t notice because you have a different one.
It can be difficult to notice that these acts are out of love if your love language is acts of service, for example. You feel like you are always trying to clean up after you and your partner or doing things like prepping their coffee for them in the morning. On the other hand, they might not notice that you are doing these things for them because they just want to be held.
Not noticing your partner’s love language can cause disconnect in the relationship because one or both partners might feel like they aren’t getting the care they want from their partner. When in reality, there is just a misunderstanding. People can have different love languages and still be happy in their relationships! It takes talking about what works for each other to reach a level of understanding.
Still unsure?
Well, ask yourself: is the label really that important?
It might not be as important to you or your partner to have strict labels for how you care for each other, but for others, it’s incredibly important. Using love languages is a way to channel wants and needs into words, but for some, it can be stressful to learn about the different categories and how they might fit into them; let alone how they will use that in their relationships.
Want to know more?
You can pick up a copy of Chapman’s book at various popular stores, and there are many different online quizzes on figuring out your love language. For starters, here is the official online Love Language quiz:
It can be good idea to read the book or take the quiz to figure out what your love language is, then talk to your partner about how they can tend to those. You can even give a few examples that relate to your lives too!
Just remember, knowing your and your partner’s love languages isn’t the end of this learning process. As long as you and your partner communicate with each other, are present when together, and care for each other in ways that make each person feel loved and valued, then try not to stress about the labels too much. Love languages are just the beginning of it all, how you incorporate these into your daily lives is what can help get the relationship going in the way you both want.